I decided that I wanted to Feng Shui my apartment. So I got a book, "How To Feng Shui Your Apartment" But what I soon realized was that unless your home was designed and built with Feng Shui in mind, you're pretty much out of luck. For example, it is recommended that you sleep in the area of your home that, according to the Aspirations of the Pa-kua chart, will allow for the most efficient flow of positive energy which will then lead to great things such as wealth, health, power and fame. For me this would require that I sleep in the bathtub. I suppose that would be fine although it might pose an inconvenience for roommates and/or house guests. When you see an empty room for the fist time the arrangement of furniture is more or less preordained. At the present time my bed resides in the area of the room that is most logical. When I consult my Pa-kua chart I discover that I'm sleeping in the area of the room labeled "Death" which is under the category of "Negative Location" (which I think goes without saying). So I've determined that Feng Shui and logic are at odds, at least in my particular case. So unless I don't mind sleeping on my oven range (which would ensure me longevity and a successful marriage), Feng Shui is not for me or my apartment.
Somehow along the way I became an expert on US Presidential trivia. One of my theories as to why this happened is my full name, Andrew James Pierce. It has quite the Presidential ring to it most likely because there have in fact been Presidents with each of those names: 2 Andrews, 6 James and 1 Pierce. So perhaps I felt it was my duty to learn about these men since, with a name like that, I'm bound to become President myself one day.
To prove my expertise, below I have made a list of the 43 Presidencies and provided a piece of knowledge OFF THE TOP OF MY HEAD (I realize there is no way to prove this, you're just going to have to take my word for it. After all, I cannot tell a lie. In fact, there was this one time when I chopped down my dad's cherry tree...)
1. George Washington: Washington was the same height as Lincoln (6'4") and yet Abe gets credit for being the tallest President. It must be the hat.
2. John Adams: Everything I've ever read on Adams always described him using the word "curmudgeon"
3. Thomas Jefferson: Brilliant Man. Awkward redhead. Invented the "Lazy Susan".
4. James Madison: Shortest president. Wife, Dolley, had enormous jugs.
5. James Monroe: Aggressively, he once chased one of his cabinet members out of the White House with a pair of fireplace tongs. Little did they know he was just doing interpretive dance!
6. John Quincy Adams: Less-than remarkable son of a former President, Quincy Adams was accused of stealing the election. What is it they say about history repeating itself? Also, he liked to skinny dip in the Potomac.
7. Andrew Jackson: Illiterate and kind of an asshole. Liked to wear his hair in an up-do.
8. Martin Van Buren: "Old Kinderhook" was his nickname. It's thanks to him we have the term "OK" (became "MVB" was a mouthful).
9. William Henry Harrison: Proof that being long-winded is not only an unfavorable quality, it can kill you.
10. John Tyler: He and his wife had 15 children. Are we sure this guy wasn't a Mormon?
11. James K. Polk: Middle name was Knox. That's all I got.
12. Zachary Taylor: He drank milk that had been sitting in the sun all day and died of cholera shortly after. Duh. How did this guy become president?
13. Millard Fillmore: All I remember about Millard is something about a trade agreement involving bird poop used as fertilizer. Actually, that's probably the only significant thing to happen during his Presidency.
14. Franklin Pierce: Alcoholic. Many have said, too, that he was the most handsome president. It's a Pierce thing.
15. James Buchanan: The only White House Bachelor (read: Big Nellie Queen)
16. Abraham Lincoln: In my opinion, our greatest leader. Ugly as sin though.
17. Andrew Johnson: Kind of fucked things up. But he had big shoes (and a big hat) to fill.
18. Ulysses S Grant: There's a great bar in San Francisco named after him.
19. Rutherford Hayes: Because she refused to serve alcohol in the White House, his wife became known as "Lemonade Lucy". He, of course, was known as "Sunny D. Hayes"
20. James Garfield: Wry tabby cat, loves lasagna. Oh, wait. Yeah, he got shot.
21. Chester Arthur: Who?
22. Grover Cleveland: More on him later...
23. Benjamin Harrison: Last President to sport a beard. What a legacy.
24. Grover Cleveland: Comeback! He's like the Cher of Presidents.
25. William McKinley: Yeah, he got shot too.
26. Theodore Roosevelt: Thanks to him and the Panama Canal, we have the world's longest palindrome.
27. William Howard Taft: Only President to serve on the US Supreme Court. And there was that embarrassing bathtub incident...
28. Woodrow Wilson: I used to like Wilson until I found out he was a white supremacist. Not cool, Woodrow. Not cool.
29. Warren G. Harding: Used to have sex with his mistress in the closet while his wife was in the house. Where was Linda Tripp when we needed her?
30. Calvin Coolidge: Narcoleptic.
31. Herbert Hoover: I'm still not sure whether or not the vacuum was named after him.
32. Franklin D. Roosevelt: Loved him in "Annie"
33. Harry S Truman: Poor guy had a letter for a middle name because his parents were indecisive. Well, Harry, at least it makes for interesting trivia.
34. Dwight D. Eisenhower: His wife, Mamie, made bangs popular.
35. John F. Kennedy: His son was hot.
36. Lyndon Baines Johnson: Often referred to as "LBJ" (they can't all be gems, folks)
37. Richard M. Nixon: He used to eat cottage cheese with ketchup. No wonder they forced him to resign.
38. Gerald Ford: Fell down frequently. Actually just once. But it was funny as hell!
39. James Earl Carter: Peanut farmer. Claimed to have seen a UFO. Fond of cardigans.
40. Ronald Reagan: "Let's go out there and win one for the Gipper"
41. George Bush: His name is a slang term in Japan for "vomit"
42. William Clinton: I like to refer to his Presidency as "Sex, Sax and Sass!"
43. George W. Bush: Does not own a Dixie Chicks album.